Why Can't I Orgasm Even When It Feels Good? The Art of Sexual Surrender
Updated: 3 days ago
Have you ever been having sex, feeling really good, getting turned on, maybe even feeling like you're getting close to orgasm—and then suddenly your brain jumps in?
Am I going to come?
Why is this taking so long?
Is my partner getting tired?
What's wrong with me?
And suddenly, instead of actually experiencing your pleasure, you're monitoring your pleasure.
You're watching yourself have the experience rather than being fully absorbed in it.
The more you try to make that orgasm happen, the further away it seems to get.
Sound familiar?
I recently had the pleasure of joining clinical psychologist Dr. Nazanin Moali on her Sexology Podcast to explore exactly this phenomenon: Why can wanting an orgasm so badly actually make it harder to experience one?
And what can we do to become more absorbed in our pleasure instead of getting stuck in our heads?
The answer involves much more than simply learning the right sexual technique.
We're talking about attention, nervous system awareness, cultural conditioning, our relationships with our bodies, and something I call the art of surrender.
Why Trying Harder Doesn't Always Help You Orgasm
In most areas of life, when we want something badly, we're encouraged to work harder.
Set a goal. Make a plan. Push yourself. Keep trying.
But sexual pleasure doesn't always respond particularly well to that approach.
When orgasm becomes something we must achieve, we can begin approaching sex as though we're taking a test.
Am I doing this right? Am I close enough? Is it going to happen this time?
Now, instead of noticing the pleasurable sensations happening in our bodies, we're evaluating whether those sensations are getting us somewhere.
Sex researchers have long investigated how anxiety and distracting thoughts can interfere with sexual functioning. This includes a process commonly called spectatoring, in which we become preoccupied with observing and evaluating ourselves during sexual experiences.
And that brings me to an important question.
What would happen if we stopped treating orgasm as the measure of whether sex was successful?
Now, before you think I'm suggesting that orgasms don't matter, I want to make something very clear.
They absolutely matter.
Especially when we're talking about women's pleasure, which has been deprioritized for generations.
But there's a difference between valuing your orgasm and demanding that your body produce one.
What if, instead of entering a sexual experience thinking, I must orgasm, you approached it with the intention to experience something pleasurable?
Maybe you want to learn something new about your body.
Maybe you want to experience deeper connection with yourself.
Maybe you're interested in having a beautiful, sensual experience with your partner.
Maybe you want to explore something delicious without knowing exactly where it's going to lead.
Suddenly, there's room for curiosity.
And curiosity is a much more inviting place from which to explore pleasure than pressure.
The Three Ingredients of Orgasm: Sensation, Expansion, and Surrender
During my conversation with Dr. Moali, she asked me a question that I absolutely loved.
For someone who has never experienced an orgasm, what does it feel like?
To me, an orgasm feels like an expansion of the pleasure that's already alive inside of you.
I've come to describe my approach to orgasmic pleasure through three ingredients:
Sensation → Expansion → Surrender
These aren't three mandatory physiological stages everyone must experience. They're a framework I use to help women explore their own capacity for pleasure.
And there's a surprising amount to unpack inside those three little words.
1. Sensation: Discovering What Actually Feels Good
Before we can expand pleasure, we need to know what pleasure feels like in our own bodies.
And this is where I think so much of our sexual education has failed us.
We're given the impression that sex is something that should happen naturally.
If you're sufficiently attracted to your partner, if you're in love, if you've found the right person, your body should automatically know what to do.
Except our bodies are individual.
What feels absolutely delicious to one person might feel like nothing to someone else.
Or it might be irritating.
Or overstimulating.
Or just plain uncomfortable.
Some people prefer firm touch. Others prefer gentle touch. Some require more direct stimulation, while others prefer indirect stimulation.
Some need considerably more time to become aroused.
And for neurodivergent people, sensory preferences can introduce another layer of complexity.
The lighting, sounds, smells, textures, and temperature of an environment can influence how comfortable and pleasurable an experience feels.
The first step is becoming curious about your individual body.
What feels good to me?
What kind of stimulation do I enjoy?
What helps me become aroused?
What takes me out of the experience?
And I want to encourage you to think about pleasure beyond your genitals.
Pleasure might begin with the warmth of the sun on your skin.
It might be the feeling of soft sheets.
The sensation of warm water running over your shoulders.
A delicious meal.
A wonderful stretch.
These everyday experiences offer opportunities to become more familiar with pleasurable sensations.
And that brings us to our second ingredient.
2. Expansion: Learning to Direct Attention Toward Pleasure
Imagine a pleasurable sensation as a tiny sprout growing inside your body.
Maybe it's just a little flicker of warmth.
A pleasant tingling.
A subtle feeling of excitement.
As you bring your attention toward that sensation, you give it a little more space.
You become curious about it.
You breathe.
You notice whether it changes.
It's like taking that little sprout of pleasure and placing it into a bigger container, giving its roots room to spread throughout your body.
You're making room for the sensation to grow.
Now, does focused attention automatically create an orgasm?
Of course not.
But our attention influences which sensations we notice and how we experience them.
And that's something we can practice.
There's an interesting balance here.
We want to participate in building pleasure without becoming so focused on the outcome that we start trying to control every moment.
It's a little like working the gas and clutch in a car.
There's a push and a pull.
A give and a take.
We're learning how to engage with pleasurable sensations while also allowing our bodies to respond.
And that leads us to the third ingredient.
3. Surrender: Allowing Pleasure to Unfold
Imagine you're riding a roller coaster.
You're slowly climbing that enormous hill.
Click. Click. Click.
The anticipation is building.
You can see the top getting closer.
And then suddenly, you reach the crest.
There's that moment when the track drops away and you begin moving down the other side.
That transition—from building toward something to allowing yourself to experience what's happening—is what surrender feels like to me.
It's a movement from striving toward receiving.
From trying to make something happen to allowing myself to experience it.
That doesn't mean orgasm is simply a choice.
There are many physiological, psychological, relational, and contextual factors that influence sexual response.
But for someone whose pleasure is frequently interrupted by pressure or self-monitoring, practicing this shift can be meaningful.
And let me clarify something else.
Surrender does not mean giving up your boundaries or ignoring your body's signals.
It doesn't mean tolerating touch you don't want.
It doesn't mean pushing through discomfort.
Real surrender, as I understand it, involves being connected enough to yourself that you can choose what feels welcome.
Sometimes that means allowing pleasure to expand.
Sometimes it means asking for something different.
And sometimes it means stopping.
Your agency is part of the experience.
Why Feeling Safe Can Make Pleasure Easier to Receive
One of my favorite metaphors from this conversation is that embodied safety is the hearth where the fire of pleasure can begin to ignite.
Think about that for a moment.
If you're worried that someone is going to walk through the door, you're probably not going to be fully absorbed in your pleasure.
If the lighting is uncomfortable, the music is distracting, or your body feels exposed in a way that doesn't feel good to you, your attention may be pulled in several directions.
This doesn't mean you need to achieve some perfect state of relaxation before becoming aroused.
Sexual excitement can involve plenty of physiological activation.
But feeling sufficiently comfortable, supported, and free to make choices can make it easier to stay engaged with pleasurable sensations.
Sometimes this involves very practical things.
Maybe you want the door locked.
Maybe you want the curtains closed.
Maybe you want soft lighting, a beautiful smell, and a sensory-rich environment.
Or maybe the scented candle is giving you a headache and you would prefer absolute silence!
The point is to learn your own system.
What helps you feel comfortable enough to enjoy yourself?
This is one reason I value solo sexual exploration as an educational practice.
When you're alone, you can investigate your stimulation preferences, your arousal patterns, and your comfort needs without also having to navigate someone else's experience.
And when you bring that self-knowledge into partnered sex, you're better equipped to communicate what you enjoy.
The Orgasm Gap: Why Women's Pleasure Deserves More Attention
Let's talk about something that I think is incredibly important.
The orgasm gap.
Research consistently finds that heterosexual women experience orgasms less frequently during partnered sexual experiences than heterosexual men.
A large US study found that 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always orgasming during sexual intimacy, compared with 65% of heterosexual women.
Interestingly, lesbian women reported considerably higher orgasm frequency than heterosexual women.
But here's something even more compelling.
A 2026 study examining orgasm experiences among heterosexual participants in Switzerland and Europe found a substantial difference between partnered and solo sexual experiences.
During partnered sex, 94.2% of men and 56.3% of women reported orgasming often or always.
During masturbation, the figures were 97.3% and 94.2%, respectively.
Although the study's sample wasn't nationally representative, the contrast raises important questions about the role of sexual practices, communication, expectations, and social conditioning.
Because if women are generally capable of reliably experiencing orgasm during masturbation, why does that capacity appear so differently in heterosexual partnered experiences?
I don't think we can understand this without looking at the cultural environment in which we've learned to have sex.
We Have Been Taught an Incomplete Version of Sex
For generations, heterosexual sex has largely been portrayed as a story centered on penetration.
There's kissing.
There's some foreplay.
There's penetration.
Everybody orgasms.
The credits roll.
If you've ever watched mainstream pornography, you've probably seen the familiar fantasy of a woman having an enormous, explosive orgasm after two minutes of penetration with some random plumber who just showed up at her house.
And look, I'm all for fantasy!
But fantasy is not necessarily a reliable education in how our bodies actually work.
Research on women's orgasm experiences tells a much more varied story.
In a US survey of 1,055 women, just 18.4% reported that intercourse alone was sufficient for orgasm.
Many women needed clitoral stimulation or found that it improved their orgasms.
That doesn't mean women are complicated or difficult.
It means we need sexual experiences that are actually responsive to our anatomy and individual preferences.
Understanding your clitoris, discovering the types of stimulation you enjoy, and learning to communicate those preferences can be important parts of developing satisfying sexual experiences.
Why Women Struggle to Receive Pleasure
There's another layer to the orgasm gap that I find fascinating.
Even when we know what feels good, we may struggle to allow ourselves to receive it.
Women are often socialized to be caregivers.
To anticipate other people's needs.
To make other people comfortable.
To be agreeable.
To be good.
And those patterns don't necessarily disappear when we enter the bedroom.
You might consciously believe your pleasure is just as important as your partner's.
You might be a feminist.
You might be confident, outspoken, and perfectly capable of advocating for yourself in other areas of your life.
But then you begin receiving sexual pleasure, and suddenly there are all these little thoughts.
Am I taking too long?
Is my partner getting bored?
Should I hurry up?
Maybe I should just focus on their pleasure instead.
And notice that these thoughts don't necessarily sound like:
I believe my partner's pleasure is more important than mine.
They might show up as guilt.
Or embarrassment.
Or this vague feeling that you're being selfish.
During my conversation with Dr. Moali, we talked about how receiving oral sex can bring up exactly these concerns.
A woman might genuinely enjoy what her partner is doing while simultaneously worrying about how much time she's taking.
And now, instead of enjoying the experience, she's managing her partner's imagined experience of her.
I think there's an incredibly powerful question here.
How much space do you feel allowed to take up in the bedroom?
How much time?
How much attention?
How much care?
How much pleasure?
What would happen if you practiced receiving without feeling obligated to produce a particular result?
Not because you owe anyone an orgasm.
But because you're allowed to have experiences that are centered on your pleasure.
What If Sex Were Something We Created Together?
Of course, partners can contribute to this pressure too, even with the best intentions.
Maybe your partner really wants you to orgasm.
They love you.
They want you to feel good.
They want to give you something wonderful.
But when that desire turns into repeatedly asking whether you're close or appearing disappointed when orgasm doesn't happen, the experience can start feeling like a performance.
So I love the idea of approaching sex as though we're creating art together.
We're creating an experience.
We're going on a journey.
We're experimenting.
We're discovering.
We don't need to know exactly what the finished product is supposed to look like.
We can be curious.
We can change our minds.
We can laugh.
We can try something different.
And we can allow whatever happens to be part of the experience.
That doesn't mean our orgasms stop mattering.
It means we're making room for pleasure without turning it into a test.
Responsive Desire: How to Cultivate Your Own Turn-On
Another important part of this conversation is understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.
Some people experience sexual desire spontaneously.
They suddenly feel interested in sex without necessarily needing a particular stimulus or context.
For others, desire may emerge in response to something pleasurable, erotic, or emotionally engaging.
Sex researcher Rosemary Basson's work helped establish the importance of recognizing these different patterns of sexual response.
But I think there's a difference between intellectually understanding responsive desire and learning how to work with it in your own life.
It's not simply about waiting until someone touches you to discover whether you're interested.
It's also about asking:
How can I contribute to my own responsiveness?
Maybe that means filling your mind with delicious thoughts about your partner.
Or delicious thoughts about yourself.
Maybe it means giving yourself beautiful sensory experiences throughout the day.
Maybe it's reading something romantic.
Listening to music.
Moving your body in a way that feels wonderful.
Creating a little space between the demands of everyday life and the possibility of intimacy.
We're not forcing ourselves to want sex.
We're creating opportunities for desire to emerge.
And we're giving ourselves permission to discover what actually feels welcome.
When Pleasure and Shame Show Up Together
I want to share something personal because it's a big part of why I became so passionate about this work.
For a long time, pleasure and shame were very tightly bound together in my own experience.
Because of things I'd experienced earlier in life, I sometimes found that sexual arousal brought up feelings of shame and disgust alongside pleasure.
And that can be incredibly confusing.
Because when pleasure and shame show up together, we can begin experiencing them as though they belong to the same thing.
As though pleasure itself is shameful.
Something that became meaningful in my own exploration was beginning to recognize that these were actually two different experiences.
I could experience pleasure.
And I could experience shame.
At the same time.
But they weren't the same thing.
I began imagining myself holding pleasure in one hand and shame in the other.
Here was pleasure.
And here was shame.
Two different experiences.
And over time, I developed a greater ability to acknowledge the shame without allowing it to determine the entire experience.
I didn't necessarily have to fight it.
I didn't have to make it disappear.
I could become curious about it.
Where did I learn this?
What is this feeling trying to tell me?
Does this belief actually belong to me?
Is there something happening now that needs my attention, or is this an old association showing up?
That last distinction matters.
Because sometimes an uncomfortable feeling is giving us important information about our current circumstances.
Other times, it may reflect something we learned in an earlier environment.
We don't want to override genuine signals of pain, danger, or unwanted touch.
But when we recognize an old pattern, we may have an opportunity to respond differently.
What Hypnosis and Parts Work Have to Do With Pleasure
This is one reason I love working with hypnosis and parts-informed approaches.
Sometimes we can intellectually understand that pleasure isn't shameful while continuing to experience shame in our bodies.
And imagery can offer another way of exploring those experiences.
Maybe there's a part of you that wants pleasure.
And another part that's frightened of it.
Rather than trying to eliminate the frightened part, what if you became curious about her?
What if you acknowledged her concerns?
Maybe you could even imagine inviting shame to ride in the back seat.
She doesn't have to disappear.
But she doesn't necessarily have to drive the car.
For me, this kind of exploration became an important part of reclaiming my relationship with pleasure.
And while hypnosis and visualization can be valuable exploratory tools, they're not guaranteed treatments for sexual trauma or orgasm difficulties.
People experiencing significant trauma-related distress may benefit from working with a qualified, trauma-informed mental health professional.
A Simple Practice for Getting Out of Your Head and Into Your Body
I want to leave you with a practice you can try without having sex at all.
I call it the Pleasure Detective.
Sometime today, find an ordinary sensation that feels pleasant.
Maybe it's the warmth of your morning tea.
The sun on your face.
The feeling of your favorite blanket.
The sensation of warm water running over your hands.
Take a moment to notice it.
Where do you feel that pleasure in your body?
Is it warm?
Cool?
Tingly?
Soft?
Does it seem to move?
Does it have a shape?
What happens when you bring your attention toward that sensation?
Can you stay curious about it for a few breaths?
And here's the interesting part.
Can you allow yourself to enjoy the sensation without trying to make it bigger, better, or more intense?
If your attention wanders, you can gently bring it back.
We're not trying to force pleasure.
We're practicing becoming more available to it.
Because becoming familiar with pleasurable sensations outside the bedroom can offer us another way to explore attention and embodiment within our sexual experiences.
Pleasure Isn't Something You Have to Earn
I want to bring this conversation back to something bigger.
Because I don't believe reclaiming pleasure is only about having better orgasms.
Although I'm certainly a big fan of those!
I think learning to recognize what we want, communicate our preferences, and become more comfortable receiving can connect us to a much larger exploration of our lives.
Our creativity.
Our relationships.
Our boundaries.
Our personal agency.
Our ability to pursue things that genuinely matter to us.
When you've spent years organizing yourself around other people's expectations, discovering what you actually want can be a profound experience.
And sometimes the question isn't just:
How do I have an orgasm?
Sometimes it's:
What do I want?
What feels good to me?
What am I allowed to ask for?
What would happen if I stopped treating my desires as an inconvenience?
Those questions can open some very interesting doors.
Because pleasure isn't something we should have to earn by being good partners, good mothers, good wives, or good women.
Pleasure is your birthright.
And becoming more comfortable receiving it can be a beautiful part of becoming more fully yourself.
Ready to Explore Your Own Capacity for Pleasure?
If this conversation resonates with you, I'd love to invite you to explore my free Embodied Pleasure Guidebook and Safe to Surrender hypnosis experience. Together, they introduce ways to explore embodied awareness, attention, and becoming more receptive to pleasurable sensations.
Discover my upcoming Becoming Orgasmic Live Group Cohort starting Feb 2027
And if you'd like to hear the conversation that inspired this article, listen to my guest appearance with Dr. Nazanin Moali on Episode 512 of the Sexology Podcast.
Frequently Asked Questions About Orgasm and Sexual Surrender
1. Why can't I orgasm even when sex feels good?
Pleasurable sensations don't always lead to orgasm. Orgasm difficulties can involve stimulation preferences, medication effects, medical conditions, attention, anxiety, relationship dynamics, or other factors. For some people, pressure to orgasm can also interfere with becoming absorbed in pleasure.
If orgasm difficulties are persistent, distressing, or represent a significant change, consider discussing them with a qualified sexual-health clinician.
2. Can thinking too much during sex prevent orgasm?
Distracting thoughts and performance anxiety can interfere with sexual experiences. Becoming preoccupied with evaluating yourself or monitoring whether orgasm is approaching may draw attention away from pleasurable sensations.
Practices that encourage present-moment awareness may help some people reduce this kind of interference.
3. Why can I orgasm alone but not with my partner?
Solo and partnered sexual experiences involve different stimulation, expectations, and interpersonal dynamics.
During masturbation, you may have more direct control over the type, intensity, and duration of stimulation.
Partnered sex may introduce concerns about communication, timing, or another person's expectations.
Learning about your individual preferences and communicating them with your partner can be helpful.
4. Do most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm?
Research indicates that clitoral stimulation is important for many women.
In one nationally representative US survey, fewer than one in five women reported that intercourse alone was sufficient for orgasm.
However, individual experiences vary, and there is no single correct way to experience sexual pleasure.
5. What is responsive sexual desire?
Responsive desire refers to sexual interest that develops in response to pleasurable, erotic, emotional, or contextual experiences rather than necessarily appearing spontaneously.
Understanding responsive desire can help people explore their own arousal patterns without treating spontaneous desire as the only normal form of sexuality.
Responsive desire does not mean anyone should feel obligated to participate in unwanted sexual activity.
6. Can hypnosis help with orgasm difficulties?
Hypnosis may help some people explore attention, relaxation, imagery, and psychological experiences related to sexuality.
A small body of research has investigated hypnotic relaxation and sexual functioning, but there is not sufficient evidence to claim that hypnosis reliably produces orgasms or treats every form of orgasm difficulty.
It may be useful as one component of a broader, individualized approach.
7. How can I stop feeling ashamed of sexual pleasure?
Sexual shame can be influenced by cultural messages, personal beliefs, difficult experiences, and trauma.
Some people benefit from exploring where those beliefs originated, developing self-compassion, learning accurate sexual information, and working with qualified professionals.
The goal isn't necessarily to force shame to disappear.
It may be to develop a more compassionate relationship with uncomfortable feelings while remaining connected to your own boundaries and choices.
8. What does surrender mean during sex?
Sexual surrender, as I teach it, means allowing yourself to become absorbed in a pleasurable experience without demanding a particular outcome.
It does not mean giving up consent, ignoring discomfort, or abandoning your boundaries.
Instead, it involves remaining connected to yourself while allowing pleasurable sensations to unfold.
References and Further Reading
Frederick, D. A., et al. (2018). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
Herbenick, D., et al. (2018). Women's experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530
Koechlin, L., et al. (2026). Exploring the orgasm gap in heterosexual sex: A Swiss and European online survey. Sex Roles. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-026-01693-8
Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/009262300278641
Coates, A. G. C., & Meston, C. M. (2026). Sexual shame: A narrative review. Sexual Medicine Reviews. https://doi.org/10.1093/sxmrev/qeag005
Johnson, A. K., et al. (2016). Hypnotic relaxation therapy and sexual function in postmenopausal women: Results of a randomized clinical trial. International Journal of Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis. https://doi.org/10.1080/00207144.2016.1131590
TRANSCRIPT: SEXOLOGY PODCAST — GUEST INTERVIEW
SEXOLOGY PODCAST — GUEST INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Nazanin Moali with Melinda Love
[00:02] Announcer Welcome to Sexology, a podcast that untangles the science of sex and pleasure. And now, with this week's episode, your host, clinical psychologist, Dr. Nazanin Moali.
[00:16] Dr. Nazanin Moali Okay, have you ever been having sex? Things are feeling really good, you feel like you're getting close, and then your brain jumps in. Am I going to orgasm? Why is this taking so long? Is my partner getting tired? And now, instead of actually enjoying what's happening, you are monitoring yourself. And the more you try to make the orgasm happen, the further away it seems to get. If you've experienced this, you're definitely not alone. Welcome back to the Sexology podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nazanin Moali, and today we're talking about How to Get Out of Your Head During Sex and Become More Absorbed in Pleasure. My guest is Melinda Raines, or Melinda Love, a consulting hypnotist, somatic coach, and host of the Embodied Magic Podcast. [
01:10] Dr. Nazanin Moali Her work focuses on helping women reconnect with their body's desire and capacity for pleasure using hypnosis, nervous system regulation, breath work, and other body-based practices. And today we're getting very practical. Why can wanting an orgasm too badly actually make it harder to have one? If you can't orgasm easily by yourself but struggle with a partner, what might be going on? And how do you stop that running commentary in your head and actually come back into your body? We'll also talk about what your partner might be doing with the best intentions that actually creates more pressure and whether you can train yourself to get better at letting go during sex.
[01:56] Dr. Nazanin Moali And if you want to bring a little more excitement into your sex life, make sure you download our free pleasure menu. It's filled with different experiences you and your partner can explore together when things are starting to feel a little bit too predictable. Pick something that sounds fun and use it as inspiration for your next date night. Because sometimes we might not experience an orgasm because we're just checked out. Remember, it's completely free and you'll find the link in the show notes. Now, let's get into my conversation with Melinda Love. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Sexology Podcast.
[02:42] Dr. Nazanin Moali I am so excited to welcome Melinda Love to our show. Melinda, welcome to our show.
[02:48] Melinda Love Thank you so much for letting me be here. It's an honor.
[02:51] Dr. Nazanin Moali Thank you so much for accepting our invitation. I was just sharing with you that we recently had an episode that one of the guests, she shared with us after 49 years, she was able to experience an orgasm for the first time and it gives so many of our listeners hope about being able to experience an orgasm. If you guys have not listened to that episode, make sure you're going and checking it out. It's more of a personal story. So today Melinda is a coach and she's gonna give us some information about how we can access orgasm, whether you have experience with yourself or you have not. Melinda, one of the first questions I hear from our audience and many people—for people who never experienced orgasm, how does an orgasm feel?
[03:40] Melinda Love I love that question. So an orgasm to me feels like the expansion of the pleasure that is already alive in you and I have kind of boiled it down to three ingredients, and those are sensation and hopefully pleasure, then the expansion of that sensation, hopefully pleasure again, and surrender to it. So those sound very simple when you break it all down, but there's really three crucial elements in there, and that first one being pleasure, and really knowing yourself, knowing your body, your system, what feels pleasurable to you, those accelerators and brakes that we talk about so often, and getting to know your body, getting to know your stimulation needs and your arousal needs, the timeline for which you become aroused, then expanding it, learning to expand the pleasure, which requires both that attention, being able to focus on it and expand it, make it increase, while also at the same time holding it lightly.
[04:52] Melinda Love So there's kind of a push and a pull, there's a give and a take in a relationship between the gas and the clutch, And then that moment of orgasm is really, you know, you're ratcheting up to the top of the roller coaster, and you see that hill coming down the other side. It's that choice to surrender. And I think that is that crucial moment where so many people might struggle to, you know, exit that building phase and enter the surrender phase where we just let go. Yeah. So that's to me what it feels like. It feels like a surrender and a moving from the inside to the outside.
[05:40] Dr. Nazanin Moali I also like that you highlighted it's such an individual experience because I remember that first time someone asked me, I was like, this is how it feels for me. And even for me in different seasons based on where you are in your cycle, what's happening in your life, I can feel different in your body. And I'm sure you agree with that. But for me, I'm not necessarily a spiritual person, but for me, it feels like awakening of my soul. Every time I have an orgasm, I was like, oh, thank God I'm alive. I don't think any other part of my life, I have that intense, like, awakening. So I think that's, that's such a gift, and I want every single human to experience it.
[06:25] Dr. Nazanin Moali And it's so unfortunate that many people are not accessing it, especially in cisgender, heterosexual women. So many of them, they're struggling to experience it. And I know so many people want it badly, which totally makes sense. Why do you think wanting it so bad make it harder to experience one?
[06:50] Melinda Love And that's kind of a natural thing that we do when we want something. We hear that it's important. We get told by our partner it's important. And there's this striving, this pushing, rushing kind of energy that we start to build around it. And I think that's exactly the piece that prevents us from having it. Because the surrender piece, that third part that I talked about, That moment when you've reached the peak of building the stimulation and it's time to let go and receive. When we have that idea that I must orgasm, it's like the goal I'm moving towards, that is putting us into the striving energy rather than the expanding and the surrendering energy.
[07:37] Melinda Love So yeah, I just, I think that that's going to put your mindset in a place where if I don't have one, it's a failure. So one thing is just kind of recalibrating the goal and making the goal something such as, in this experience, I want to experience a deep connection with myself, whether that be physically, emotionally, I want to learn something new about myself. Maybe I want to have a spiritual experience if you're into that. Or I want to connect with a partner if I'm connecting with a partner. So there's so many different ways to, start to shift that mindset a little bit. But I think it's in the, it's built into the question that you asked, like, I want it so bad, why can't I have it? [
08:23] Melinda Love Just removing some of that requirement, I think, making it less of a test.
[08:37] Dr. Nazanin Moali If I want something really bad, it's harder to access it. And the moment that I, in a way, shift my perspective and still pursuing it, but not necessarily having, and I'm talking on my own experience, desperation that I need this, right? Like, I feel like it's easier to access it. Like any other part of our sexual experiences, when it comes to orgasms, it has three component that we often look into. When someone's struggling. One is personally, one is relationally, and the other part is sexual skill. That's how I think. What do you think, based on the clients that you coach, what are some of the common challenges they have in each area?
[09:27] Melinda Love And so there's kind of two categories that I would Talk about and it's that knowledge, self-knowledge of your partner, if you're having sex with a partner, the stimulation needs that you have, the arousal differences you may have, sensory needs, it's a huge thing, especially with neurodivergent clients, which I work with often, and communication, there's all that stuff. And then there's the other side of it, which is, you know, when we're approached with what is going on in me, what is being triggered in me when I am being witnessed in my pleasure or entering the sexual experience, you know, so we have to ask ourselves that question and we might find Things like shame coming up, guilt, people pleasing, fear, just distractions.
[10:25] Dr. Nazanin Moali Like I know for many women that they had had opportunities to explore their body from like childhood, young adulthood, they know how their body works. And for people that may say like childhood, they have a visceral reaction. It's like nothing pathological. Kids explore their bodies. There's nothing wrong with that. And it's like learning what works for our body. It can be very powerful. So for many of my female clients who were grown up, where they were raised in a, sex negative household, they tend to feel felt bad or shame about exploring their bodies. Therefore, they haven't cultivated the skill.
[11:07] Dr. Nazanin Moali So it's truly a skill to learn to how to build a arousal in your body. And oftentimes people When they come, they come to partnership, they have this expectation that if my partner loves me, he knows or she knows exactly what they need to do to help me experience an orgasm. But no one's a mind reader. So the first thing I want people to think about, it's a skill you're cultivating. For the relational component, you highlighted such an important things that what shows up for you to be experienced in that vulnerable moment, right? So for many people, it's about not feeling comfortable to surrender and sh- kind of be comfortable with the partner.
[11:51] Dr. Nazanin Moali And it comes like also psych- psychologically for one own state of being, part of it is shame around body that you talked about, shame around sexuality, high anxiety. All of those are the things that gets in the way. So when people think about how can I experience an orgasm, part of it is working on those barriers. What are some of the accelerators that you think can help people to build that arousal?
[12:41] Melinda Love Love and pleasure orgasms are not the same thing, and having one doesn't necessarily mean, you know, you've already, you've checked the box for the other. So the accelerators to build the arousal are, in my work, I use moving the attention. So we're learning to really focus the mind and the awareness on what feels good in my body right now. It does not have to be a sexual thing. It doesn't have to be I'm feeling stimulation in my clitoris right now. It might be, you know, a warmth in my body, or a tingling in my face or something like that. And as we bring our awareness there, we bring the breath there and the energy, when we do that, we allow that to expand.
[13:29] Melinda Love It's like taking that little, that little sprout of pleasure that we might feel and moving it into a bigger container so that it can grow its roots out throughout our whole body. It can stretch itself out. And I think to do that, it requires us getting our nervous system into a state of rest and digest where we are definitely feeling safe. So that's where, you know, working with yourself with masturbation is a really amazing training field for before we're having partnered sex and expecting an orgasm to come there. Really learning how to relax the body, resource in embodied safety inside of you before introducing the expectation or the desire for pleasure to expand.
[14:22] Melinda Love Because when we feel that embodied safety, that is like, that's the groundwork, that is the hearth. For the fire of the pleasure to begin to ignite. And so if we're working on our own in building pleasure and masturbation before then meeting a partner for sex, we can build that inner safety so that when we come to meet our partner, we already feel embodied, we already feel safe, we're more connected with our voice in order to be able to, you know, say the things that I need that will help me feel safe when we enter into the sexual exchange. So yeah, to me, and what I've witnessed in so many women who struggle with this is that safety aspect is the biggest turn on.
[15:06] Melinda Love You know, what in my environment, the physical cues do I see around me that help me feel safe? Maybe I know the door is locked. I know that the curtains are pulled and I've created a beautiful sensory rich environment, like it smells good. It looks romantic in here. And that just kind of tells your brain like, okay, things are safe, things are Cozy. It's all right for me to let go a little bit. And then really, yeah, as we get to know our own needs, stimulation-wise, arousal-wise, we're able to confidently communicate that to our partner more. And in a loving way that helps it land with them. So those are just a few thoughts about that.
[15:48] Dr. Nazanin Moali I Like, hey, you brought up a nervous system, and we talk about it a lot in this show, that like you need to be in this safe place with your nervous system to be able to start escalating and building arousal. You need to be on the rest and digest. So especially long-term relationship, I feel like in a hookup experiences or dating experiences when you're with someone that their novelty piece is quite high, maybe you can have more flexibility with how are you with your nervous system. But in longer-term relationship, it's crucial for you to be able to be That rest and digest or when you're masturbating.
[16:31] Dr. Nazanin Moali And I know many people, sometimes they're not even in their body. So having practices to help you to get embodied, that's really important. And when we are with a partner, oftentimes it's more difficult for at least many women to be able to experience an orgasm. And I know I work with many couples in my practice and the heterosexual relationships, male partner are very willing to support the partner experience it, but sometimes they do things or say things that make it harder for the partner to experience an orgasm. What do you think, what are some of the things a partner does with a good intention that backfires?
[17:18] Melinda Love You know, they want that so much for you and you can connect to a sense of there's love and a desire for you to experience something good. And at the same time, that is a ton of pressure. And putting pressure on pleasure and building orgasm is kind of the opposite. It's like what we talked about, that internal question, you know, why haven't I gotten there yet? Removing that goal is really going to show your partner that, hey, I'm in this for us to experience creating art together. We're, we're creating an experience. We're going on a journey. You know, you don't have to go anywhere that you don't want to go, and I'm here for whatever arises.
[18:02] Melinda Love I think, you know, it's well-meaning for a partner to want to help you get to orgasm, and I'm not saying there's not a time and a place for that as well, but when you're struggling to get there, I think that open invitation of like, hey, we've got all nights. I don't have anywhere else to be. This is just fun. And so really moving it from this is something that I'm lacking and that I'm not doing correctly to this is an experiment. This is play. This is curiosity. Like, let's explore something new together.
[18:39] Dr. Nazanin Moali For example, I know one of the ways that Many women, kind of like experience a buildup or orgasm is through oral sex. But sometimes women just like so worried about their partner, putting pressure on them, or is it, am I taking too long? And all of those takes away from the feeling, the relaxation you need to experience an orgasm. And ironically, I don't think I ever experienced a guy worrying about receiving a blowjob, right? It's all about his pleasure. And we may think on the surface in our conscious mind that we don't have that, you know, I'm a feminist and I believe that my pleasure is just as important as his.
[19:37] Melinda Love But when we get into the bedroom and these things from the subconscious Mind begin to bubble up, that's where we see it happening. And we don't hear it usually as the thought that like, oh, his pleasure is more important than mine. I'm taking too long. You know, we hear it as subtle, shameful feelings or thoughts that come up. And yeah, it is, we can take that from our male counterparts. Like, just watch how are they really embodying and receiving their pleasure shamelessly. You know, we deserve that just as much. And yeah, I think practicing receiving oral sex is such a good way to expand your tolerance for how much space am I allowed to take up in the bedroom.
[20:23] Dr. Nazanin Moali And for people to think about why we're focusing on heterosexual relationship, because that's where we see the most of orgasm gap. It's only in a heterosexual relationship that we experience it. And one of the way that many people in society are getting trained or kind of like some unconscious messaging people receive that women, they don't want sex or they don't like sex. Therefore, if don't, they don't have an orgasm, that's not a big deal. Well, as we talked about it earlier, like you can have a good experience not having an orgasm, but I hope that it's a choice, right? Like you Can access it and maybe right now you're not in that place, but I don't want women to be at the same place that they're justifying mediocre experiences or not satisfying experiences to for the benefit of the relationship.
[21:24] Melinda Love And two things came up for me as you were talking and the first, you know, just being that responsive desire, really understanding what that means, not just on a surface level, like, okay, yeah, I get I need to be exposing myself to Stimulation outside or inside in order to be able to be interested. It's like really embodying what does that mean? How can I contribute to my responsiveness? I can fill my mind with, you know, delicious thoughts of my partner, delicious thoughts of myself, and I can give myself beautiful sensory experiences that lead towards greater sensory pleasure already built up inside my system.
[22:06] Melinda Love So that by the time I get to the bedroom, I'm already primed. But then also educating, if you're having heterosexual sex, there are still so many men that don't understand this. And I think there is more of a willingness to understand and a willingness to learn. So taking advantage of that, hopefully, and delivering that education or giving them, you know, come as you are by Emily Nagoski. And this is the time that we can come up and really claim this for ourselves. We were fed so Many messages through the media, through religion, through pornography about what a woman's pleasure timeline is supposed to look like, and it's just false and inaccurate.
[22:49] Melinda Love And I think, you know, that's half of it. And penetrations, the different types of orgasms you might experience. And so most women don't orgasm through penetrative sex, as your listeners may already know this. And so I think really prioritizing getting to know your clitoral anatomy is so crucial, like what other ways of pleasure am I going to find arising in my body? Using clitoral pleasure to stimulate yourself as you may be receiving penetration and not expecting that I should be able to come in this way that I saw in the movies, you know. That's just not realistic.
[23:40] Dr. Nazanin Moali Like, you know, sometimes I like traditional kind of porn scenes is like the woman comes with like couple minutes of penetration. She ejaculates like this, like having this like holistic whole body orgasm with a random, with a plumber that they just met, right? Like, yeah. It's realistic. I mean, I love the fantasy world. I think it's beautiful, but it's not how most people's body works. It requires foreplay and buildup and safety. So you're right that like the kind of like the, what where we learn sex is also contributes to that. But if someone that they can say, like, I know what feels good physically, but still I can't, I can't orgasm.
[24:25] Dr. Nazanin Moali What are the first three things you recommend them to think about?
[24:34] Melinda Love So it would depend on if we're talking about alone or with a partner. And I know we've spent most of the time talking about with a partner. So I'll just talk a little bit about having it with yourself because when we're starting to practice self pleasure and masturbation, there's, you know, the aspects of what did you learn? Where is your mindset around pleasure itself and your deservingness? And worthiness around receiving pleasure. How important do you think it is? And if you don't, you find that there's someone in you that does not think it's that important or it's frivolous. I'm wasting time here.
[25:16] Melinda Love This isn't really getting me anywhere. There are so much research showing how physically nourishing it is for you. And so I would look at mindset. What do I think about pleasure? What do I think about orgasms? What was I taught by people around me? I would also look at obviously the physical. You want to go make sure that everything is okay physically with your doctor. Make sure that you're going to a pleasure positive practitioner who is educated in the pleasure system and it's not just going to further make you feel shamed or disconnected from yourself. And one of the big things I see is distractibility and it kind of goes along with the first piece I talked about.
[26:03] Melinda Love Being able to focus your pleasure, your awareness long enough on your pleasure for it to expand and build. And we have to see it as important in our mind. We have to believe it's really important. My pleasure is just as important as his pleasure. And it's important if I'm even by myself. And we have to prioritize it in order to be able to devote our attention to it in the moment. So if you are easily distracted by thoughts about what I have to do and the dust bunnies over there in the corner while I'm trying to do this thing, you know, you know, that can just signify a few different things. But one being that I need a different type of stimulation, perhaps just really learning to experiment with ourselves and being willing to try new things.
[26:54] Melinda Love And that's what where the self-practice really brings that safety aspect into it. Another thing that I see often is just That shame that becomes wired with pleasure in the brain because perhaps someone experienced abuse earlier in life or just the messages from the culture. So when shame or a feeling like disgust become wired with pleasure inside the brain, we can automatically kind of experience both at the same time as pleasure arises, which causes the desire to turn away from that, which means you're also turning away from your pleasure. So this is, this is how I worked through it myself and this is why I got into this work is because disgust and shame were very tightly bound with pleasure for me because of my previous life experiences.
[27:48] Melinda Love And I just learned through masturbation to bring those sensations up as soon as I would become aroused, they would both come up and then to hold both of them together, but starting to pull them apart. Separately, so that I could then imagine that they're one on each hand. And so, okay, arousal is coming up in my body. Here's the pleasure and here's the shame. And eventually I was able to completely separate them both and then kind of set shame aside. So that's where with hypnosis and the work that I do with parts work, these are the types of things that we do. We pull the things apart. Okay, these are two separate things and I can choose now to put shame in the back seat.
[28:33] Melinda Love Shame might still show up sometimes, but I can still tell her, you know, I've got you, I hear you and it's okay. I'm choosing pleasure and I'm only immersing myself and my attention in the pleasure. That's that last one is kind of my own personal experience as well.
[28:58] Dr. Nazanin Moali Like I don't want shame. We're pushing away shame. Shame pushes back. Like it's just constantly in this place of like struggle during these pleasurable experiences and thinking about they both can exist and we're leaning into pleasure and we're choosing pleasure. And what you talked about that resonates with my work with acceptance and commitment therapy, kind of choosing pleasure as a birthright, right? This is a value I have. I'm deserving of pleasure because many people they don't experience as their sexual pleasure as they're part of their human rights and their true rights. So I'm glad that you highlighted that.
[29:36] Melinda Love Pleasure is your birthright as a person and as a woman, it's so crucial to reclaim that. And it really is so tied into our personal power, our creativity, our ability to stand up and get what we want in the world, like pursue our other desires beyond the bedroom.
[29:57] Dr. Nazanin Moali Melinda, so we learned so much.
Comments