Healing Through Self-Compassion: Shadow Work, Addiction and ADHD
By Melinda Love Raines | Guest conversation with Emma Gardner on The Healing Odyssey whose work focuses on Addiction Recovery and ADHD.
What if the part of yourself you're most desperate to get rid of is the part that's been trying, however imperfectly, to protect something precious?
I've spent a lot of my adult life getting to know the parts of me that I was taught to put away. The loud one. The rebellious one. The one who has a strong opinion, a need, a boundary, or a desire that might inconvenience somebody else. For years, I identified with being the good girl: quiet, capable, high-achieving, and agreeable. I thought that was who I was. But it was also who I'd learned it was safest to be.
I had such a lovely conversation about all of this with Emma Gardner, an ADHD and recovery coach and host of The Healing Odyssey. We talked about shadow work, alcohol recovery, parenting, people-pleasing, hypnosis, and the enormous permission slip that a late ADHD diagnosis can sometimes provide. Different subjects, yes—but to me they all lead to the same question: Can I understand myself deeply enough to lead myself with love instead of shame?
Listen to my interview on The Healing Odyssey:
What Is Shadow Work, Really?
I think about the shadow as the parts of ourselves we don't fully acknowledge—the traits, feelings, impulses, and needs we've learned to disown. This is a framework for self-exploration, not a literal hidden entity inside the brain or a diagnostic category.
For me, the classic example is my inner brat.
I grew up wanting to be the good girl. I performed. I got the grades. I tried not to cause trouble. Somewhere along the way, I tucked away my argumentative, loud, rebellious self because she didn't fit that identity. Except those characteristics weren't all bad. In fact, bundled up with that so-called brat was something incredibly important: my voice.
That voice is the part that can say, “No, that doesn't work for me.” It can state a need, hold a boundary, and let another person have a different opinion without erasing my own. What looked like an unacceptable personality trait was also a capacity I needed in adulthood.
Shadow work, as I practice and describe it, isn't giving every impulse permission to take over. It's bringing a rejected pattern into awareness, noticing what it's trying to accomplish, and choosing how to express its useful qualities more responsibly. I imagine the different parts of me around a round table. Everyone can have a voice; nobody has to run the whole show.
Why Shame Can Make Change Harder
Many of us inherited an internal coach who believes the only way to improve is through criticism. Shame might produce immediate compliance, but it can also make it difficult to admit what's happening, ask for help, or experiment with a new response.
This is one reason I come back to self-leadership through love. Self-compassion doesn't mean excusing behavior that hurts you or someone else. It means being willing to look at that behavior without concluding that the person underneath it is fundamentally bad.
Research provides some support for the importance of self-compassion in alcohol-related outcomes. A 2024 systematic review found associations between self-compassion or self-forgiveness and lower risk of problem drinking, while emphasizing that more research is needed to establish whether targeting these qualities improves recovery outcomes. A 2025 meta-analysis of 12 studies reported improvements in self-compassion, mindfulness and depressive symptoms for people with substance use disorders, but the underlying study quality was generally poor, and drug craving did not significantly improve. This isn't proof that compassion by itself treats addiction. It's a reason to keep studying an encouraging avenue of support.
Research: Berg et al., 2024; Ma et al., 2025.
The Need Beneath My Relationship With Alcohol
When Emma and I talked about recovery, I shared something very personal: I tried more than once to quit drinking, and it didn't stick. One turning point was understanding what alcohol was doing for me.
I wanted to belong. I wanted connection. I wanted the ease of talking with people without feeling so much friction inside myself. Alcohol wasn't creating those desires; it had become one way I pursued them.
When I could see the underlying needs, I could begin looking for other ways to meet them. That's a significant piece of my story. It isn't a universal explanation for substance use or a substitute for treatment, and I don't want to suggest that everyone can simply introspect their way out of alcohol dependence.
As Emma and I discussed, practical changes also matter: removing cues, rethinking routines, changing where you spend time, and finding social support. Evidence-based alcohol use disorder care can include behavioral therapy, medication, and mutual-support groups, alone or in combination. Different people need different approaches, and medically significant alcohol withdrawal requires professional guidance.
Further reading: NIAAA, Evidence-Based Treatment Options.
When the coping strategy changes but the need remains
In the interview, I also reflected on shifting from alcohol into other patterns of seeking connection or relief. It made me curious about the continuity beneath seemingly different habits. Rather than assuming that all these behaviors are the same disorder, I find it more helpful to ask: What am I trying to receive from this? Belonging? Comfort? Excitement? Rest? Reassurance?
The answer won't magically eliminate every pattern. But it may give you more choices than simply fighting harder with yourself.
P
eople-Pleasing Can Make a Cup of Tea Feel Like a Crisis
One of my favorite moments in the conversation was Emma describing how stressful it used to be when someone offered her tea or coffee. Instead of noticing what she wanted, her mind raced through what would be easiest for the other person. Would the kettle be inconvenient? Would asking for something particular upset them?
Oh, I recognized that immediately.
If you've learned that other people's comfort is your responsibility, a little decision can become a complicated negotiation. Your own preference gets pushed to the bottom of the list—or disappears altogether.
This is why I love practicing discernment in low-stakes situations. Before calculating everyone else's reactions, ask yourself: What do I actually want? Maybe today it's rooibos. Maybe it's a different restaurant. Maybe it's telling someone they put sugar in your tea when you don't take sugar.
There is something tender and vulnerable about stating a preference. Someone could say no. But they might also be delighted to know how to make you happy. Knowing what you want can become an invitation to connection, not an imposition.
A small self-trust practice
Next time someone gives you a harmless choice, notice the first place your attention goes. Do you scan the other person's facial expression? Automatically say “I don't mind”? Imagine the inconvenience your preference could cause? Without criticizing yourself, come back to your own sensations and answer one small question: What sounds good to me? You don't have to take a huge leap. Sometimes the practice really does begin with tea.
Parenting, Inner Reparenting, and Repair
Motherhood gave me a new lens on all of this. Watching a child move through the ages I once moved through can bring an almost overwhelming compassion for the child I used to be. How could I have expected that little person to know what I know now?
It has also made me think about what kind of inner voice I'm modeling. Children don't only learn from the rules we announce. They notice the emotional atmosphere, how we handle frustration, and what happens when we make mistakes.
That doesn't mean parents have to be perfectly regulated every moment. My internal perfectionist would love that, of course. But it's not a realistic goal. What matters to me is being willing to acknowledge a difficult moment and repair it: That wasn't how I wanted to speak to you. I'm working on it. I'm sorry.
I described our family's nightly check-in: What was your high point today? Your low point? What are you looking forward to tomorrow? It gives us a way to name emotions without pretending that being a grown-up means never having them. A child's role is not to manage an adult's distress; the adult can be honest in an age-appropriate way while remaining responsible for the emotional load.
Research on family emotion socialization is consistent with the importance of modeling and the family emotional climate. A 2024 systematic review included 53 studies on parental self-regulation and emotion-related parenting behaviors, but most were cross-sectional—so it cannot prove a simple one-way causal story.
Research: Morris et al., 2007; Edler & Valentino, 2024.
Hypnosis, Parts Work, and the Inner Compass
In my one-to-one work, I often blend hypnosis, visualization, body awareness, and conversations with the parts of us that seem to be getting in the way. Sometimes a habit once served a purpose—staying quiet, staying agreeable, avoiding conflict—but doesn't fit the life we're trying to build anymore.
I like the image Emma brought into the interview of a man in recovery who changed the position of his chair. By literally changing his view of the room, he disrupted one small piece of a familiar drinking routine. I laughed because in my work we're often trying to do something similar internally: make a little space between the old association and the next choice.
That's a metaphor, not a claim that a changed chair or one hypnotic session automatically rewires a specific neural pathway. Research on hypnosis suggests benefits for some outcomes, particularly pain and medical procedures, while evidence differs widely by condition. My coaching approach should not be confused with an established treatment for addiction, PTSD, or ADHD.
Research: Rosendahl et al., 2024.
I created Inner Compass Reset for people who know the dizzying experience of having a thousand options and no confidence in their own decision. The invitation is to develop a steadier relationship with your feelings, values, and inner signals—not to expect an infallible answer from your body every time.
Late-Diagnosed ADHD and Permission to Be Yourself
Toward the end of our conversation, Emma and I wandered into a topic I deeply love: what happens when you receive an ADHD diagnosis as an adult and suddenly have language for things you've been doing all your life.
Lists. Visual reminders. Strange little systems that work for you, even when other people don't understand them. Maybe you've spent years telling yourself you should be able to function without these accommodations. Then you realize: these aren't character flaws. They're supports.
Emma described how her sleep preferences don't neatly fit generic advice. I shared that caffeine affects my sleep very differently. There isn't a single universally ideal routine hiding inside that story. It illustrates why it's worth noticing your own needs while still considering established health guidance.
ADHD treatment guidelines recognize environmental modifications alongside other forms of care. A diagnosis can be validating, but personalized supports matter whether or not you have found the perfect label for every experience.
Guidance: NICE ADHD guideline NG87.
For me, finding community with other neurodivergent people has been especially meaningful. It changes the feeling of being a lone exception into the possibility of being understood. I don't have to work so hard to make my internal experience acceptable before I share it.
Healing Is Not an Exercise in Becoming Someone Else
The thread beneath this whole conversation is a kind of return. Not to a perfect past self, but to the pieces of ourselves we learned to abandon: the voice, the joy, the desire, the creativity, the need to belong, the need to be cared for.
Sometimes growth is confronting an unwanted behavior. Sometimes it's seeking professional treatment. Sometimes it's apologizing to your child. Sometimes it's writing yourself another reminder, or telling a friend what kind of tea you actually want.
What I hope you take from my conversation with Emma is that you can change your relationship with a part of yourself without first declaring war on it.
Listen to the conversation: [THE HEALING ODYSSEY EPISODE LINK]
Explore my Inner Compass Reset: www.melindalovecoach.com/inner-compass-reset
Discover my podcast and free resources: www.melindalovecoach.com/podcast
Frequently Asked Questions
What is shadow work in psychology?
Shadow work is a popular term for exploring traits, feelings, or motives we've disowned or kept out of awareness. It draws on Jungian language but is not itself a single standardized clinical treatment. It can be used as a reflective framework for asking what we learned to hide and whether there are healthier ways to express it. If exploration brings up overwhelming trauma symptoms, working with an appropriately qualified mental-health professional may be helpful.
Can self-compassion help with addiction recovery?
It may be a useful complement. Reviews suggest links between self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and more favorable alcohol-related outcomes, but researchers have not established that self-compassion alone treats alcohol use disorder. Treatment may involve counseling, medication, mutual support, and other individualized approaches. Self-compassion can support a stance of curiosity and accountability without replacing medical or behavioral care.
Is understanding why I drink enough to stop drinking?
Not necessarily. Understanding the purpose a substance serves can help you develop different coping and connection strategies, but alcohol dependence can involve withdrawal risks, cravings, learned cues, and other factors. Evidence-based treatments exist. If you drink heavily or regularly and may be physically dependent, seek medical guidance before stopping abruptly.
Why do I struggle to express simple preferences?
Some people automatically prioritize others' comfort because of prior experiences, social expectations, anxiety, or people-pleasing habits. A simple question can trigger thoughts about conflict or disappointment rather than a straightforward check-in with your own wishes. Starting with low-stakes choices can provide a manageable way to practice stating preferences; if the pattern is distressing or pervasive, professional support may also help.
Can hypnosis change subconscious habits?
Hypnotic suggestion has been studied for multiple outcomes, with stronger evidence in some applications than others. It may help some people engage attention, imagery, and behavior change, but it's not a guaranteed way to erase beliefs or memories. Evidence for treating addiction and complex trauma through hypnosis alone is not established. Ask practitioners what they're trained to do, what evidence applies to your concern, and when referral is appropriate.
Why can an ADHD diagnosis feel validating in adulthood?
A diagnosis can provide a useful explanation for patterns someone previously interpreted as laziness or personal failure. It can also help them identify practical supports, such as written reminders or environmental adjustments. People vary, and diagnosis doesn't explain every trait or replace individualized treatment. The goal is a more accurate understanding of needs rather than forcing everyone into the same routine.
Does repairing a mistake with my child matter if I can't be a perfect parent?
Children learn from how adults express and regulate emotions, including how they respond after mistakes. Acknowledging harm, apologizing, changing behavior, and maintaining age-appropriate boundaries can model accountability. Repair isn't a license to repeat frightening or harmful behavior, and children shouldn't be put in charge of comforting a parent. The adult remains responsible for creating a safer environment.
Full Guest Interview Transcript
The Healing Odyssey — Guest Interview Transcript
Host: Emma Gardner
Guest: Melinda Love Raines
Hello and welcome to the Healing Odyssey, finding your own way forward, where we embark on a journey of transformation, resilience and hope. I'm Emma, your host and I'm thrilled to embark on this transformational journey with you, as we explore the complex world of addiction, recovery and mental health. Whether you're struggling with addiction yourself, supporting and loving through their journey, or simply interested in understanding these issues better, this podcast is for you. I'm going to break down the stigmas and my mission is to shed light on the crucial topics that affect millions of lives around the world.
We'll be deep-diving into the intricacies of addiction and recovery, mental health challenges and solutions, personal stories of heartache, but mainly transformation and resilience. Each week we'll be joined by an array of fantastic guests, including experts in the field, survivors with powerful stories and loved ones offering unique perspectives. We'll be covering topics such as resilience building, positive psychology, healing techniques, debunking those myths, relatable stories and experiences, and for our members there'll be exclusive training sessions and actionable content to support your journey.
Enjoy this episode, don't forget to check the links and speak to you soon. Just before we begin today's episode, I just want to tell you about my new book, A.A. is not the only way. It's a collection of inspiring guest stories from the healing odyssey showing that recovery isn't one size fits all, and that there's many different parts towards healing. If you ever felt like you didn't quite fit the traditional mould, I hope this book reminds you that you are not alone. You can find it A.A. is not the only way at [Emma’s website — verify URL] and on Amazon. Now let's get into today's episode. Welcome everyone.
Today I am joined by Melinda Raines and thank you so much for joining me today, Melinda. Thank you so much for having me here at the honour. Oh, it's my pleasure. Absolutely, my pleasure. Please tell us what you do and why you do it. Yes, my name is Melinda and I am a consulting hypnotist and an intuitive coach and I create digital courses as well as my work that just help folks to reconnect with their inner knowing, their body wisdom. So I work at the intersection of hypnosis, subconscious mind, shadow work and the body and the intuition and how all of that weaves together. Yeah, so that's just a little snippet of my work and why do I do it?
I really just create these courses and teach these body wisdom techniques in order to help people reclaim that innate gift that you were given, which is this incredibly intuitive responsive system that was here to help you not only survive but also to live a life full of pleasure and joy. And so just after my personal experiences, I really have been on a mission since adulthood to resolve trauma, integrate different shadow parts of myself and reclaim that joy and that childlike exuberance from the things that we didn't get to, maybe, fully indulge ourselves in as children and it's really our birth rights.
And this really became even more of a mission for me after I had my own child. She just turned seven and so it was a mission for me before but that catalyst into motherhood really pushed me to a new level of all right, I'm ready to get serious, get this work out there and really help not only myself and create a legacy for my child but to help all future adults, adults with an inner child that they are working to heal because we all deserve that to be able to come back to our inner knowing. I think my main focus is really helping you to get out of dissociation with the body,
rejecting the messages from your intuition and really owning that, affirming that within yourself. And changing that inner parenting relationship you have because as you, I'm sure no, that inner relationship you have with yourself, you know, the inner voice in your head is directly influenced by how you grew up, the voices that you heard talking to you and we can internalize those. So I really love to work deeply in these patterns to not just push away or try to change and force a part of ourselves to be different but to really understand it, to work to love
it and accept it, recognize its gifts and then lead ourselves with love through transformation rather than leading ourselves with shame through transformation. So that's kind of my work in a nutshell. I love that and I love the way that you said about leading with shame so often we do that and I don't think we realize if we, we, we leave with something more positive, we're not going to be so frightened trying to achieve it rather than because it's so easy for, we get labelled and as you said those, those things stay with us and we try and shake them off but sometimes we just live with them when we don't need to.
I'm sure we can all remember some childhood things that still stay with us now or I can think of loads, you know, either from my nan or friends or it just sticks with us. Yeah, yeah and we unfortunately learn that those methods are somewhat effective that they can lead to some kind of a change in your life but usually that's at the expense of all the good stuff, all the special skills and talents that you come to this life with and at the cost of joy and pleasure and all that, you know, when we tell our, a part of ourselves that you're bad and you're wrong and you need to be different for one reason or another
in order to gain acceptance or to be a good girl or good boy, yeah, we end up locking away our talents and our gifts and our voice and creativity, you know, and that is a very unfortunate result of having led with shame and because usually that's the only thing that was demonstrated to us if we end up in that situation and I don't like to blame the generation before, these are all just handed down patterns and that's a huge part of my big-wise, like this generational thing that continues on, every generation before was only trying their best with the skills and the tools that they had and so it's the same for me, I have to cut myself
a little slack in my parenting journey because that inner perfectionist comes in and it's like, you know, you've got to be the perfect mom, never yell and all these things that are just totally unachievable, it's really like for me more about showing up with the presence of like, "Oh, okay, that happened, that old part of me, that old script that I was running in my brain just showed up again and I understand it and I can be the role model of showing up and saying, I'm sorry that this happened, this is a part of me that I'm still working on and I'm going to then turn inwards and do a little inner reparenting of that inner child who is
usually the one that's coming out to express these things in ways that it just needs to learn, how to operate in a loving, a self-loving in an other loving way. Absolutely, that's so right and I love the way that you said, it's that acknowledging that you were in that place and looking where it came from and you're teaching your kids skills then when you're able to do that and say, look, I wasn't in the right place or I shouldn't have done that and this is what happened and this is what's going to happen like moving on, that's such a great way for kids to learn and I think that's
a great role model to have because there's nobody in this world that's ever going to go through life not getting angry or sad or anything like that. It's learning what to do with these feelings and emotions and yeah, yeah, totally it just that's learning in real time and both of you are learning and it's the humbleness and the the strength and the courage to be that vulnerable this day. Okay, I know I'm the one that's supposed to be in charge here and I'm still learning and you know, you deserve better, I deserve better in this relationship is the most important thing for me to
care for and yeah, I think that's kind of like the driving force that's why you know, our kids can be such a catalyst for self-healing and you see them go through the same milestones that you went through and realizing it's like such a perspective shift when you are doing your own healing work as an adult you look in back on yourself and it's easy to say like why didn't I do things differently? Why didn't I protect myself here or respond differently in that situation when we watch a child at that same age that we were when these things happened it's it's just so overwhelming like this is such a sacred
little person you know they're coming into this life with total trust and total total vulnerability and so it gives you a lot more empathy for yourself your past self I don't know little yeah absolutely I love that and what keeps coming into my head is so many times I've heard people say well I don't shut up my kids or I've never hit my kids or or something like that but they might be arguing with their partner 24/7 or there might be that atmosphere in the house or they might have so much road rage you know the kids in the car so it doesn't have to be any behavior it doesn't have to be
directly to another person and children especially pick up on these energies and tensions and if you're displaying a behavior kids are going to pick up on it it doesn't matter whether they're being treated right or not or lovingly or not it's as well what's going on around them totally yeah they absorb the atmosphere and they adjust they're so adaptable to the atmosphere and that strength is also what then results in CPTSD and like permanently not permanently but more long term changing these things about ourselves in order to create harmony in the household you're
totally right yeah that's so interesting and that's one of the reasons we implemented a long time ago just like nightly check in around what was your high point of the day what was your low point of the day what are you looking forward to tomorrow and that's just such a good opportunity for everyone in the family to check in like where where are you to really own it because you know I feel like a lot of parents feel this pressure to show up with I'm in a good mood even if something is really not going well for me or I'm really you know in a difficult place I shouldn't admit it because that would be
them putting it on my kids and in my personal experience and through observation I've just found it's exactly the opposite whether or not you're sane and not loud the child knows what's going on and they can pick things up energetically even you know telepathically I think they're so sensitive to to you and it's better to be honest then name it and show that naming it is not a weakness no not at all I think that's so beautiful how lovely and that teaches so much that they've got that safe space to be able to say like I've had a bad day or something happened at school or
I don't feel right and I don't know why it gives it gives so much room to be able to express yourself and not hide away and so I think that's absolutely beautiful doing that it's great yeah oh lovely tell me about shadow work because I've heard people mention it before that for anybody who doesn't really know what shadow work is sure so the way I approach shadow work and there are lots of different angles to approach it from different methodologies it's really just kind of an overall way that I look at what's going on inside of the body and some of the energy
field both from a hypnosis standpoint and from a spiritual standpoint so I would say my work is not necessarily spiritual it can be taken by anyone like anyone could come to see me of any different religion or spiritual identity and feel that the work works for them because it's all weaving together but I just lost the thread can you ask me the question one more time? oh good and it won't pass all this time shadow work how yes so the shadow is really just anything that we're not fully conscious of and so as most of y'all probably know the conscious mind is a very small percentage it's like the tip of
the iceberg of your entire mind and the subconscious mind being that big part that's underneath the ocean that really drives the show those are your automatic reactions habits emotions that come up in a knee-jerk way they're they're the beliefs that you decided a long long time ago that you would agree to and these inner agreements that happened usually in childhood and so the shadow is parts of ourselves that we have decided should not be seen they should be in the shadows they should be in the basement or somewhere out there where we can consciously pretend that that's not who I am
you know so for myself for example I really adopted the role of the good girl the perfect one the quiet one you know I always got straight A's I tried to perform well in everything that I did and present this image of perfection so in turn I let go and put away parts of myself such as you know the exuberant part of me the loud part of me the part of me that wanted to the argumentative and rebellious yeah I put that somewhere away and the thing about the shadow is those parts don't go away they are very important parts of us you think about things like your voice your ability to
speak up for yourself I put that away because I was told that's not okay that wasn't acceptable in the house that I grew up in so imagine how very important that voice and that connection to being able to speak up for yourself is as you grow up so being able to reclaim that part of yourself you know the loud one the the bratty one that is what dissolves the shame so it first dissolves the shame that we have felt around that part and the image that we have created around that part because for me something such as my my inner voice my ability to speak my boundaries was tied up in
what was called the brat I'm like okay I can't be that person because that will not make me acceptable so she had this whole persona built up around her and then when I bring her forward and I realize oh she's actually my connection to being able to speak up for my boundaries I have even more reason to reclaim her and to honor her gifts and see why she sometimes would come out sideways sometimes come out in ways that actually did harm myself or harm others and when we bring it consciously back into our awareness we can then work with the gifts of that part without having to shame them
you know they just sit at this round table with us and with all of our other parts so that we can give that part the power when it's the right time for that so I kind of use that framework in the way of looking at the subconscious mind and you can bring it into the spiritual if you want to in order to help people reconnect with these things that they're missing from their lives so when I do one-on-one work we'll really kind of look at the symptoms what are they coming and presenting their complaints and what are they really feeling like they're missing and we kind of reverse engineer go
into the conversation in sort of a hypnotic type approach to find out who who are these parts how have they served you how are they currently showing up that you're not realizing through self-sabotage or you know they're kind of messing up your plans or ruining your relationships in the same pattern over and over again those are usually indicators of shadow parts that are working their little magic behind the scenes and they're not ever doing it in order to hurt you their their purpose is always to preserve your life to help you survive in the way that they learned was the
right way so self-leadership through love in this method that I'm speaking to is really learning how to not shame that inner part of yourself for the way it was choosing that old habit but see what its needs are see what its values are and realize that oh the values underneath that are actually really important to me and they've been getting those needs met you know in the shadows so I love that and you you put it just brilliantly I I love the way that you put it and it I'm thinking about like examples and I'm sure that most of us know somebody who's the quiet one or
they're really really nice one and then one day they'll just go mad and everybody will go what was that about and and it is just like a huge indication that they're very in-ster and not allowing that to come out and I'm thinking about celebrities or actors you always see them in films or either the good guy or the bad guy so in the film stars you sort of know what role they're going to have and then when a good guy goes out in public and does something wrong like it's a member of the paparazzi or something we forget that they're human and it might be that they've just had enough
they're just a burst in point and they can't cope and they're not dealing with everything else that's going on in their life yes yes and that emotional you know when are you thinking about shadow pieces from an emotional standpoint that certain emotions were only allowed in your household growing up or only socially acceptable in our world today you know like it's only okay for you to present this one version of yourself being angry in public obviously violence aside that that is not okay but we have also received the message that being angry in public expressing ourselves in that way
verbally in a strong way is not considered perhaps socially acceptable so yeah when you suppress to that level it can be like really a pressure cooker and in combination with things like unresolved trauma yeah you put someone in that kind of situation where they're in the celebrity example you know I can't imagine that fishbowl that you're living in and then you've got people trying to take your picture constantly you can kind of put yourself in that situation and in that person's life story you can see how these things do happen no absolutely I've just got this funny image in my head that
I'm thinking of Queen Elizabeth the second and I'm just thinking you never hear us where but I bet she's full she must have yes I do I think a lot too like people who are in that public eye in such a way that you are expected you are an archetype of humanity and you're kind of playing the role of that you are like a cartoon of this idea of the queen and who the queen who we've all agreed the queen is and what she does and how she acts and doesn't act and oh my gosh yeah the the splitting that happens inside of a person of your front facing persona and your your back in persona is just
even more black and white so yeah yeah how do we dissolve all that into the gray so that we can allow more space for all facets of humanity because what I have seen in my own life and in my work is that we are all capable of all things of all facets of humanity and that is light and dark and that is an interesting thing to to kind of meditate on but shadow work is really about bringing back your power of choice and seeing like okay I've got all these different avenues available to me now whereas before when things are in the shadow I don't have control over and choice around
the things that are in my shadow because I can't see them happening and I can't even understand that I'm the one making these things happen and when we talk about addiction that is totally something that I relate to it's just you know who in me is making this choice that I know I've decided is unhealthy I've decided I have to make a change yet there is something that continues to make that choice and until bringing those parts into the light and refusing to reject them which is the hard part because when we know there's something unhealthy happening it's like it makes a lot of sense to say
no this is bad this is wrong and I have to put it away right now but when we do that it just creates more tension for that part more explosiveness and yeah that was kind of my experience through my own journey of quitting alcohol was it did not stick for me I tried several times to quit and it didn't stick until I was able to see what those parts of me that were choosing to go back to it were seeking and it was really the connection the sense of belonging inside of a group and the ease of communicating with people and yeah feeling like I belonged was really the big thing and so
once I was able to realize that I was able to see she ate those needs and that value for deep connection in a much healthier way so yeah so interesting I'm wondering how you see that showing up in your work yeah absolutely excuse me I love the way that you put it because I still hear even in some therapies older therapies it's about putting the alcohol down it's not about putting the alcohol down it's about finding out about yourself to find out why you picked it up in the first place or whatever it is compulsive like sharpen a dictionary or sex or anything what is that masking what is going on for
you that you feel you need that coping strategy and people aren't gonna get into recovery or stop drinking or anything if you're just saying just cut the alcohol out because there's so much more going on within us and as you said that iceberg that's just that tip that don't pick it up like sit there staring at it white knuckle in it just don't pick it up I'll be all right no you're still going through pain you're still suffering it's it's going deeper than that and finding out what's going on so I just isn't it's great but the way you explain that because it's so
so true yeah yeah and it's it's so interesting on the the piece of recovery you know there is both it's like what's above the water and what's below you know there are the practical strategies really help too like with alcohol just removing everything inside the house that reminds you of that and you know you have to change your places that you go your physical habits that you have maybe even sometimes the clothes that you wear you know the associations that your mind has to these things we can change all that physical stuff in the environment change your friend group change where
you go to eat dinner if you're going out but yeah getting underneath the surface to those subconscious associations that we have with those substances or the process like process addictions and things like that is really what gets gets underneath it to the point that when we can unearth that, we can identify those needs and that prevents us from just transferring the addiction onto another thing such as a process like going from alcohol to love addiction to screen addiction you know that was kind of a process that I went through and realizing it was the same mechanism underneath that
I was still not quite meeting those needs that were coming up for me so absolutely and I left the way as well that you was saying about this like the old saying isn't it you you can move to a different house or different country but you still take your head with you wherever you go and I remember once when I was in treatment there was a chap he was in his mid 60s and and he said I can't move he lived on his own and he just sat there all day and he had a bottle down the side of his chair and one thing that that really helped him was he got somebody just to move his chair and put a table on the opposite side
so he wasn't doing that same movement every day and looking at the same in the same direction it sounds really tiny but it was really big so instead of looking at a picture on the wall and drinking all day he was looking at a different picture or out the window and it's just was taking him out of that daily I don't know what the word is but his it was just that mundane every day this is what I do it was just a change for him and little changes can make a big big difference I love that as the metaphor of changing your perspective like he's literally changing the perspective
of his room looking at a different angle so that you can break that association inside of the neural pathways of the brain and create a new thing with his home with that room just by looking at it differently like literally looking at it differently but that was able to give him a a way of creating some distance internally as well from it yeah who is it that you work with now who you're your typical clients mostly I work with women remotely online so I do one-on-one coaching sometimes it's more hypnosis focus where we're trying to change a habit sometimes it's more inner change work inner parts work and so we might have deep
conversations where we're talking to the parts of of yourself that are coming up to kind of make themselves known in a safe space and then I use the process of hypnosis to help to to reprogram the mind to reprogram those old habits that are holding in place the parts of ourselves that are having a difficult time breaking out of their habits kind of like you're talking about we're moving the chair but we're moving the chair internally so our deep-seated beliefs that keep running in the background are really just thoughts that we had a while ago that are like oh I think that it's gonna keep me safe if I act in this one way and then when we see
enough repetition of that early in our lives it becomes an ingrained belief that like okay I believe that as the good girl as the quiet one that is what keeps me safe flying under the radar not making my needs and beliefs known not making my opinions be out there too much that's what I believe now and so when we go and we use the mechanism of relaxing the mind enough to work with the subconscious those parts come up to really have a conversation and then we can find out what they need and through the delivery of the hypnotic story create a new story for that part create a new role for that part
so often I work with women just because that is that is my training as a women's empowerment coach and a sexuality coach and so oftentimes there is an undercurrent of sexuality work that comes in often with people who have experienced some kind of sexual trauma in the past or in their childhood and just creating a safer inner environment so that we can talk to ourselves in a new way and lead ourselves as the inner mother the inner father the inner caregiver that we really desire and dream of having and then I also have online courses I have four of them that are currently
published and working on filling out the rest of that sweet which is kind of the tools that I use inside of the hypno-coaching container to create that transformation create that reconnection with the inner body wisdom oh wow I love that so your courses are they full anyone or just people that you're working with yeah they're for anyone so my main course is called the inner compass reset and that one is helping people to reconnect with their sense of discernment so it's especially good if you have a decision that you're trying to make currently or if you're one of these people like I was
and still sometimes I go back to these tools and listen to my own course when a decision comes up there's like a million different options and you feel like I cannot make this decision this is actually an impossible situation so I use a little bit of hypnosis a little bit of somatic coaching work and visualization and energy movement and breath work to go in and help you reconnect with the main wisdom centers of the body and also there's some emotional alchemy because with all of this we we have feelings come up often when you're having a difficult time making a decision
there are thoughts about what will this mean for my future self what will this mean for the other people in my life there may be you know guilt or future fears and anxieties riding on this decision which has made it impossible for you to make the decision so working with feelings and being able to work that muscle out so that we can up level our tolerance for uncomfortable emotions is also such an important piece of all change work really because it it can sometimes be uncomfortable and when we're not practiced at being able to handle the feeling of fear and know the difference
between this is fear telling me that I should stop or this is a fear from my inner child that it just needs me to hold its hand and walk through this more slowly so yeah I try to make things very gentle and also pleasurable so it's not just about all the hard stuff it should be a little bit fun should be you know paste in such a way that it's bite size and able to get you to where you want to go without disregulating you so I love that and you said about decisions I I know for most of my life I'm I stressed everyone out because I couldn't even decide if somebody said do you want tea or
coffee yeah because my head would go straight to what's easiest for them maybe they don't like making tea maybe that they don't like the smell of coffee all like this because I'm rising stuff going on in my head am I going to put them out if I ask for a tea or coffee so they've got to go and boil the kettle maybe they don't boil the kettle because of electric you know dependent on who you're going to see so I would always say I don't mind and then that would stress people out so so much but then I was so stressed to make a decision in case it upset somebody oh my god those trends fall
you're likely I'm not like that now laugh about it but it's that's the kind of person that I often work with and that type of rumination and going back and forth is so deeply uncomfortable and you can see it on a simple level of do I want to hear coffee where where do we want to go to eat for dinner or you can see it with really big things sometimes big things are actually easier to make the decision or to have that inner body knowing but yeah when you practice on the little things like what type of tea do I want here that's a really low stakes way of tuning into your body wisdom so just
practicing shifting your attention from the outside world like okay there are 20 different options here that's overwhelming in the first place and there's like five people involved in this situation so I got to worry about what how is my decision about the tea gonna affect everyone else you know when we've experienced trauma or gotten this idea that we're hyper responsible for others than that that comes into the decision making process and gets in the way of like what do you just really desire inside of yourself right now you know it it seems like it should be easy
and it should I think that's why I do the work because that disconnection only happens because we were taught a long time ago through example or through direct experience that it wasn't safe to be in your body and it wasn't acceptable to like really say what you want and yeah it just takes practice and a lot of patience with yourself yeah that's like and I still remember when I sort of began turning and being able to voice what I wanted and you keep mentioning about empowerment and it was so empowering you know I mean I don't take sugar in my tea I've been given tea before
and they want oh sorry I put sugar in it oh no we're are drinking and it's like oh but I'm trying to please everyone I'm trying to put the easiest route for everyone and it's just exhausting so that change it took a long long long time but so empowering yeah I've definitely done that before or two it's like okay I don't I don't want you to have to go and redo this thing for me and so I would just suffer and yes yeah because we're like kind of willing to bear the the suffering in order to not have to deal with the anxiety and it's really just our own anxiety about what is this person
gonna think how is this gonna affect their life and that anxiety and fear of the other person's experience is more it seems like that's the part of us that's making the decision rather than our inner truth and usually when you check in with the other person there it's no big deal to them you can tell like energetically they don't care yeah wants to give you the tea that you want yeah yeah it's so funny we are we are strange beings sometimes but it all comes as you said from trauma from experience and and we are doing it to keep us safe we we do that so we don't get
conflict or retaliation in in any way and sometimes with us thinking we're being nice and and helpful we get that back anyway because it can frustrate the other person and that's that's what I found happening it's like I'm giving you the choices I'm trying to make your life easier but still you're coming back at me saying like I'm being a pain I'm I'm not worth it I'm no good you know and it can take a long time to learn when you're stuck in that pattern yeah it's interesting when the person on the other side of that if they receive it with frustration and they compound that
thing that you're feeling inside versus if we're lucky enough to have someone on the other side who's able to recognize like okay they're they're going into an anxiety about what I'm experiencing and having the invitation to to you that you sharing what you really need and want with me is actually a gift to me and so that's where I think we do it as well is it's really vulnerable to say what we really want and because there's a chance that we might get a no a chance that we feel we embarrassed ourselves by being to open and you know whatever whatever the idea that we have maybe
yeah it's it's so healing to experience choosing to do that difficult thing of just I really want the rooibos today you know I know it's going to be an extra step in the process but that's what I really want and then seeing how that lights the other person up when we're able to connect with our true ask our true desire and bring that out and share it it's such a gift to the other people in our lives that they can be a part of helping make that a reality for you it's like you think about you know getting someone the gift that they really want and someone who doesn't ever ask for
what they truly want or they oh I don't really want anything for my birthday don't worry about me but I got to get you something I really want to get you something but I don't know what it is I just I want that moment where I know I contributed to your joy yeah yeah absolutely and what you were to say and it really stuck out I'm just gonna change the shift just slightly because although this is going out in October you mentioned about recognizing what the other person is saying and recognizing that anxiety where they might be what might be going on for them and we're
actually recording this aren't well suicide prevention day so it just really sticks out to me that you mentioned that and yeah just a reiteration of picking up on anxieties and listening to the other person rather than just those automatic exchanges I think suicide prevention day aside you know is really important in relationships and daily communication yeah yeah and that's so interesting because like we think about folks who have been trained to work in suicide prevention and that is a skill set that people need to learn in order to work really effectively in that field
and I think like when you're in the space of feeling those thoughts if you are the one experiencing those thoughts and coming forward with it it's it's such a vulnerable place to be because you want to make sure that you're sharing with the right person so that you don't get a judgment coming back at you about this because that's it's there's no there's no shame in that at all and going to the right person who has that training can be so affirming like okay it's okay for me to take up the space and receive this care that I need right now yeah that feeling safe is just
priceless yeah so sorry for that shift it was just sticking out at me I when you were talking about it I clocked the date and I thought it's so very relevant for today even though people won't be hearing this to look to be and it's always a lovely reminder as well because I need reminding of everything to stop pause take a breath just like give yourself five minutes away from the laptop when I've been sat here for three hours you know I need reminding of everything and this podcast does that for me as well it really helps me to remember that I need to look after myself we all know it but I
need to be told to remember to stop and do it even though it's the field that I work in I still need to be told and yeah I just thought it was really relevant so thank you for bringing that up yes thank you for bringing that up to me and making me aware and yeah I think it's so interesting I just was listening to what you were saying about needing the reminders and we were talking about ADHD neurodivergence and how you know coming into those realizations later in life realizing the the ways in which you've accommodated yourself over the lifetime that you didn't know that you had a
ADHD and I'm speaking about myself really it's like then seeing like oh when I start to make these accommodations really consciously like I'm owning my ADHD now I'm saying these are the things that I need I need lists in multiple different places I need visual reminders that's an actual function of my brain that's how my brain works and there's nothing wrong with that these things that I've been told are in the way in some way are they're not they're actually specific accommodations that when I bring them forward and I choose them and I celebrate them then that removes the shame
from it and even though you know I also work with people who are neurodivergent often because I just attract them and I love that and it it's just so affirming that like there's no end goal the end goal is only to bring more and more love and openness and a big group hug for yourself which then allows you to be a more loving person to other people in the world and yeah I think as a neurodivergent person accommodations are such a good way of doing that and yeah I love that it is make me smile so much because I've always been a list person I need to write everything down
even when I'm studying even though I don't usually keep the notes if I write things down it seems to concrete things for me so I write everything like you see my office I'm glad you could only see behind me just what I say but when I only learn I had ADHD at the beginning of this year and now I can really really embrace it and go with it rather than seeing my little behaviors as like little quirks now I know why I need to do it and I can really embrace it and work with it and I've never been happier since I found out about that diagnosis it's like oh that's why I do this brilliant
and one of the things that always got me was I've got to have the telly on to go to sleep if the telly gets turned off I wake up I need that noise and we're told everywhere you've got to be in a cool dark quiet room and no bright lights before bed no caffeine well I'm coffee before beds and I tell you on every night yeah and I that's when I sleep if I haven't got those things I toss and turn or night and I feel really really uncomfortable so now I know why I do that so it's not that I'm not like it's not like I'm not like everybody else and I'm not following the rules because
this is what we should do for perfect sleep I'm doing it because that's what I need and it's having that diagnosis has sort of given me permission to be me which is pretty crazy but it's just allowed me to become more of who I am yeah yeah because when you before you have the diagnosis you don't know that it's not just you you you're still comparing yourself putting yourself through the same structures that a neurotypical person goes through this is how sleep proper sleep happens in this manner and when you can't do it that way it really erodes yourself-esteem and then you're
like well just something is specifically wrong with me and after coming into the diagnosis it's like oh there are other people experiencing maybe not exactly the same way but in similar ways or you know there's a subset of these people who also have this exact same experience as I do I'm not all out here alone that is just so validating and I'm so glad that we live in a time where we're coming into more awareness and acceptance around it and you know folks like us who are have been creating their accommodations their whole life you know we had to figure out life
on on our own and then we can have the language for it bring out all of these resilience processes that we created over the course of a lifetime and you know kind of swap share with each other it's really fun and it's you know for the first time for me giving me that sense of community that it's a community in such a way that like okay when I speak with other people of the same neurotype or similar neurotype it feels like there is a resonance it feels like I don't have to be ashamed of the things I'm saying and there is an energetic connection here that is different um
and just deeply rewarding so I love it you explain things so well I'm all for explaining things yeah I always thought people that can't drink caffeine after midday were crazy bit it's funny it's so funny because like yeah I'm one of those people if I drink after 12 yeah no like it's gonna have this weird buzzing system in my my whole night it's gonna it's mad isn't it I just oh I think it's brilliant yeah my husband is like you he can drink coffee later in the day and just go to sleep I don't it's really cool I could drink it lean oh bab Linda please tell me where can people find you
and I will put all the links in the description and anything you want to send me for people socials links anything but please tell us so everybody can can hear yes thank you so you can just go to my website melindalovecoach.com if you want to go to slash podcast that has my podcast as well as my free offerings my inner magic method you can download that for completely free and has other resources on there the courses that I've mentioned and a link to book a clarity call with me if you're interested in one-on-one work but yeah that's probably the easiest I love that was the name of your podcast Embodied Magic with Melinda
love that yeah yeah so I just restarted that back up a couple months ago and will also be hopefully in the near future doing some interviews so I would love to invite you on if you're up for it oh yeah that would be fantastic and I love reconnecting with guests as well because mentioning suicide prevention day I'd had a gentleman whose podcast was released today it was his second time on and he's a comedian who talks about suicide which I just think is fantastic and he re-booked by mistake and it was just so lovely just to chat and catch up and go over the things that we hadn't spoken about in the first one
and it's just so lovely and I think it's really lovely for the people listening as well to as well as hearing all these new therapists and different ways of working new therapies and I think it's lovely just to hear voices that just share that positive message coming back on knowing that they're still doing well and it's just so so lovely so I would love to come on and I'm glad that you'll be starting it you'll have no time to do anything so yeah but I mean this is such an enjoyable experience just connecting with people who are in adjacent fields and how can we you know
collaborate and get these resources out there for more people I think that's really what it's all about I appreciate everything that you're doing in your community and I yeah I hope to stay in touch yeah absolutely Melinda thank you so so much you have just got the perfect voice for hitting a therapy so I absolutely I can imagine working with you it would just be yeah amazing but thank you so much for coming on today I really appreciate you sharing what you do and how you help people and your own experience is it absolutely means the world thank you Emma appreciate it
thank you for listening to another episode of the healing odyssey finding your own way forward a huge thank you to everyone of our guests for sharing their valuable insights and experiences with us all each episode is so important and helping us all understand the complexities of addiction and recovery if you found today's discussion helpful please consider subscribing to our podcast and sharing it with anyone who you might think will benefit from these conversations remember you're not telling whether you're struggling with addiction supporting a loved one or
simply seeing kids learn more we're all in this together we'd love to hear from you if you have any questions topics you'd like to hear us cover or stories you want to share please reach out to us on social media or leave a comment below your voice matters and together we can create a really supportive community join us next time for another inspiring conversation that you won't want to miss until then take care of each other and yourself remember healing is a journey not a destination i'm not saying the only way is that i'm saying let's find the way that's best for you thank you for listening
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